I spend quite a bit of time behind the wheel and I’ve noticed a disturbing trend on the highways and side streets of America. One that turns my stomach and makes my head hurt every time I see it. It truly pains me. I wish I could tell you that these were isolated incidents that don’t really mean much in the grand scheme of commuterdom, but I can’t. And the fact that I’m seeing this dreadful, awful, even sinful event with increasing regularity just makes me question humanity in general.
So what is this phenomenon that has my panties all bunched up, you ask…? It’s the exotic car driver with the boredom scowl on his face.
I KNOW, right!? It horrifies me, as well. Now, try to contain your anger, people, while I say what must be said: if you’re behind the wheel of a brilliant car, you’re not allowed to drive it around town with your over-priced-car-buying-pie-hole all turned down in a frowny-face.
It started several months ago when I crept up on one of my favorite cars, the Ferrari 430 Modena, and as I passed by and looked in the window (because, who doesn’t want to see what kind of people drive these amazing cars) I saw an unmistakable look on the driver’s face. The slack-jawed, dopey-eyed look of absolute boredom. I had to avert my eyes, as I felt my lunch begin to make its way back up my throat. I was in a temporary state of shock at over 75mph on a busy highway. My survival skills kicked in and I began to take deep breaths to recover my wits. I was regaining my composure, somewhat, and realized that my family was in the car with me. So driving into a bridge abutment to end the feeling of horror, would be ill advised and downright selfish. Though, when I looked over at my wife I noticed that she must have seen what I saw, because, while not as horrified as me, I could see she was troubled. The next hour of our drive we did the best we could to console each other and reassure ourselves that this must be an isolated incident and the poor son-of-a-b*tch must have had a terrible morning.
But an isolated incident it was not. It happened again just a few short weeks later only this time it was a Maserati GranTurismo.
And then again just days later…a Bugatti Veyron. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?? It’s an epidemic. It’s like all the wealthy people in the Bay Area all got the same bad news at the same time. Bless their privileged little hearts. This must be the pinnacle of unfair, isn’t it? I mean, if you’re behind the wheel of a AMC Pacer, or even a Pinto Wagon, you certainly have the right to hit the road with a scowl on your face. Even terror would be acceptable in that situation. But if you’re rolling around town in an Audi R8, you should have a sh*t eating grin on your face that would make the Cheshire cat green with envy.
So, to the ridiculous, bored looking driver of that amazing car, the R8, the S600, that incredible Bugatti, I send a mental bitch-slap in your general direction and ask that you remember that we’re all living vicariously through you and, as such, we expect more from you. At the very least, if you must drive around with a crappy attitude, get your windows tinted in such a way that we can imagine you’re enjoying yourself.