Best Craigslist Ad Ever – Chuck Norris Approved

One of the best Craigslist ads we have ever read!

I am listing my 1998 Chevy Blazer zr2 on Craigslist against my will. Truth be told, the Blazer refuses to be owned by anyone, but will endure a platonic relationship for an unknown stent of time. Do not use the word relationship around the Blazer, or it will request a new driver. Be a real man while this SUV is in your possession, and don’t bring up things like “where do you see this going?” or “what are we exactly?” That is the quickest way to lose “Transpanionship.” That’s transportation companionship. . .

Don’t bother looking it up, this SUV invented the word.

A few things that you should know about the testosterone overload that is the Blazer ZR2…

• This ZR2 doesn’t breakdown. . . It takes smoke breaks.
• This ZR2 pulls an infinite amount of “a%$” so it has an unlimited towing/hauling threshold.
• This ZR2 is a hybrid. . . It burns gas and rubber.
• If gas stations are the bar, this ZR2 only drinks well whiskey. (Cheap 87 gas)
• This ZR2 is equipped with the earliest form of OnStar, AKA Hazard Lights.
• This ZR2 doesn’t roll, it dictates the rotation of the earth.
• I have filed a restraining order against the Blazer, for which it routinely ignores.

This SUV will require frequent washing or be prepared to hear comments about how much it resembles Tom Selleck.

This SUV was engineered by elite American SUV Specialists (Chevrolet) to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. Made in a time where SUV’s didn’t come with Baby Seat Anchors or Armrests.  If your arms need rest, this isn’t the SUV for you. Back before the times of superfluous Nancy-boy amenities  like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), leather seats (the only animal parts you will find, will be stuck in the grill) or Anti-lock Brakes (Brakes that lock up are like reverse burnouts, and who wouldn’t want that?)  This is as advanced as an SUV was ever intended to be.

This brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a GM 262ci engine that will outrun the cops (OR out pull). The Blazer ZR2 also has an automatic transmission, so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists,  you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun and drive at the same time. It has room for you, your dog, and the two hotties you rescued from a burning orphanage.(The children will be fine)  My price on this American Marvel is an incredibly low $1500, but I will entertain reasonable offers.

Please don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $1000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a  Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest Cyclops at the Katy Perry concert anymore.

There are only 235,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your Machievements. (Macho Achievements) Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s an uber-confident super-human powerhouse, then contact me. If I don’t answer, please leave me a message that says  “I’m Dirk Diggler enough to own and operate a vehicle of this caliber”. I will review all messages with my Blazer, and return calls of only those who are worthy of the ZR2.  When I return your call, we’ll talk price over a glass of Kentucky Bourbon while listening to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in a bottle of Krazy Glue. I cover my palms with it every day before I grip the steering wheel. It’s just my way of combating the stampede of horses that takes place every time you touch the gas pedal.

To recap,

• For sale-98 Chevy blazer zr2 clean title
• Fully loaded, has every option.
• 235k miles
• 4×4
• auto trans
• black interior
• power moon roof
• cd player
• trailer hitch
• Mileage calculator/temp/compass unit

Good stuff-

• New battery last year (exide nascar)
• newer Kelly Trex tires
• Monroe reflex shocks installed when I bought the tires (15k miles ago)
• Tight front end (no loose/worn steering or suspension parts)
• push button 4×4 works awesome, goes through snow like a Yedi on methampetamines.
• Clean interior
• power driver seat
• ac/heat works
• lower intake manifold gaskets and tune up done about 3k miles ago including new antifreeze.

Known issues-

• instrument cluster starting to flake out
• abs light on because of bad wheel speed sensor causing me to almost drive through a Jet’s pizza when ABS
• activated while parking, so I pulled the ABS fuse because fuck ABS anyway. (bearings ok, just bad sensor)
• Check engine light on, it’s an EVAP code (I have a scan tool and will prove its just an evap code if needed)
• Airbag light on, both airbags are there, you can see them. Not sure why light is on but I probably wouldn’t trust
• a 15 year old airbag anyway so wear your seatbelt.
• Small trans fluid leak from one of the cooler lines requires adding a quart about every 6 months.
• Needs rear pads/rotors soon
• tailpipe hanger rusted off of tailpipe making it kinda noisy.(has newer muffler, just needs tailpipe.)

All in all, this Blazer has been good to me. It’s my daily driver (about 40 miles a day) and starts up everytime.
Chuck Norris would drive this blazer without question.

Buy it girly man!

Thanks for looking!